the seekers

there is a song that I like to look up on Playlist.com and listen to and tho, you don't really know why the lyrics were formed in the first place, it kinda relates to me right now...
I have a problem that I need to work out for myself and I find myself listening to this song and even tho it does not help my problem, I kinda like it...maybe it at least makes me think.........

it is called A World of our Own, by the Seekers (ya I know it is old) but it talks of moving away to a world of our own, leaving all your sorrows behind, etc...

when our year of antlers is over Ross has been talking for a couple of years now, of moving to Whidbey Island in Washington, and who in their right mind would not want to move there??? while Riverside has been baking in the high 90's, I have kept track of Whidbey and the high there all week
(the high people) has been in the 50's...OMGosh what I would not do right this minute to sit alongside the Puget Sound in a jacket watching the water...we have been there many times and we love it there...absolutely adore it there...everything about it, we love...

the problem, then you ask??? you are asking, then why aren't you all packed and ready to leave the second his committment is over??? well, there are a couple of problems...

#1 and the very most important, can I leave these grandkids of mine??? I simply adore them and could I do without seeing them for months at a time??? this one is weighing very heavily on my mind...sometimes they absolutely drive me crazy but..............................................what would I do without them??? sometimes, they (but, Zoe especially are all the company I have...)

#2 with all of the years of antler involvement, he and I have sort of grown apart...could we have a life up there all by ourselves??? could we repair the damage that has been done to our relationship??? and I am not totally blaming antlers either... we have not had a terrific relationship for many years now...as soon as we got married, we had one baby then 3 and my kids were always (and I mean always sick) and it took a lot away from him and me...he worked a lot and at first I stayed home to raise sick kids and at the time, we (maybe I) made it work...I was totally there 100% for my kids...I let the kids take over my personal space and basically gave up my life for my husband and my kids and never once did I question, I did what was expected of me...I kept a perfect house, perfect yards, great dinners, you name it, I did it...the kids were well behaved and I did not have Ross be involved in the day to day
running a household with kids...I did it all...the kids got older and healthwise were a little better and I
to help out, went back to work and turns out, I loved my job in nursing and then once again, I (not him) balanced a full time job, the house, the kids, etc...and we were doing well and decided to buy a house in Riverside Co. and we moved...
I adored my new house, and once again threw myself into making our new house a home and doing kids by myself (since he now worked 90 miles each way away...) he took to staying with his mom all week and we only saw him on weekends...and this was after my sister died and we took my very young niece and nephew (so now I had a total of 5 kids, 2 of them babies...)
he lost his aerospace job and you must know the outcome of this??? of course we lost our house and car and just about everything else that we owned and not one of the thousands of high paying job interviews ever panned out for him...
I once again did what was expected of me and I took a full time job with Wal Mart as a manager and still did house and kids and work...he could only find part time menial work...
sorry for getting off track and telling too much history...
fate intervened once again after losing our house, which was extremely hard on me, after all I had the American dream with a nice house with the white picket fence and it was taken away about the same time that my niece and nephew were court ordered to their drug addicted father...and I had my first heart attack at the age of 46, which resulted in heart failure and then Wal Mart knew I was a liability and got rid of me...
we lived hand to mouth for a long time while my kids were teenagers (they had to find work themselves to help us out...) and Ross filed for disability thru Veterans...imagine our surprise when the disability came thru??? but, see, all of the years of me doing everything for him and now he also has the government telling him he is disabled, to this very day, I get NO help around the house at all and this is a very sore subject for me and I tend to take it out on people and I don't get mad, I guess it is sort of depression, I just get very quiet...it is like to even make words come out of my mouth, takes too much effort...
most times this house gets to be way too much for me...my kids will help when I ask, but it is still up to me...so since I get help from my kids, what would I do in Whidbey??? will it all be left up to me???
he and I have never ever been by ourselves...EVER...once the kids got big enough to handle themselves, along came the grandkids...and then the kids need different help from us and then the
grandkids need us...and it never ends... since Zoe was born, we seem to always have her with us, even on vacations and I am not saying it was a bad thing...I love that little girl so much and love having her with me, but to be honest it has taken away from his and my relationship...

#3 is the problem of both of the health problems we have...I can handle me, tho the heart failure did take a turn for the worse, I think I have pretty much succeeded in finding a new normal and have
learned to deal on a new level...he on the other hand, I don't think he has...there is just about always something to deal with him on a daily basis...can I handle this on Whidbey by myself???

#4 will we have anything in common once we move up there??? sometimes when we go to a restaurant, we sit there in silence with nothing to talk about...will it be like that all the time up there??? and we never ever do anything...I see on Facebook where people are posting; so and so are at some fantastic place having fun and we are at home...he is usually taking a nap and I am cleaning house...I hate apps for phones, cause it is just showing me that other people are doing things and I am sitting at home...a big day for me is to go to Target and then back to the usual...

#5 I would miss my kids...yes, they could come visit and if I am gone maybe some of the drama from them would cease??? but, they like Zoe are company for me when he is gone for antler duty or taking his nap or whatever...

I guess I am really conflicted on what to do and was sort of happy when the antler committment began as then I had a year of not thinking about Whidbey but, we are down to 9 months or so now and I will have to make a decision pretty soon...if we are really going I need to start down sizing all of our belongings (& we have a lot too)...I just don't know what to do...

one other thing I will miss if we go, is that thru the antler committment, I have made some friends and I do not make friends easily and I will really miss some people...

I guess I wish there were a happy middle ground...here there is drama, and never ending neediness and he and I have practically nothing in the way of talking or whatever...but in Whidbey will it be total quiet with nothing to pass the day??? I just don't know...