a quest to find happiness

start out by saying: I did not write this, borrowed from another blog but it is so intune with how I feel that I felt compelled to write about it...
the other blogger wrote about a friend of hers and she said, "One of my favorite qualities in a friend is the ability to find happiness. No matter how much rain falls, she waits happily for the rainbow. No matter how much trash piles up around her,... she spots the treasure. No matter how much chaos fills her life, she always seems to keep calm." she then goes onto say that would make the perfect friend...
I am taking it to mean the figurative "when it rains, it pours" type of deal that I wrote about last night...there are some people that that always seems to be the case...something is always going on with them and sometimes that is me...right now there is so much going on but, I do not feel that I have been the best of friends through my rain storms and so I apologize to my friends...I will try harder to watch happily for the rainbow at the end of the raining, I will sort through the "trash" to find the treasure, the little glimmer of hope, and when chaos is reigning down upon me, I will work very hard at trying to remain calm (even if that entails a Xanax or a Mudslide, LOL...)...my true friends (you know who you are) will accept my apology for not being a better friend and they will help and support me through my new venture...

I tell my kids all the time that they are the only person that can make their life better, they alone are responsible for their own happiness...I do not always abide by my own rules...

this was the perfect blog to come across this morning...

it is most definitely a very hard job to dig yourself out of the deep hole of depression you put yourself in...I know I have been there many times, too many times that I care to remember and it is so totally not fair to others around me, incl the dog...I am going to try harder...I do not want to be remembered when I die as the mom, the grandma that was always depressed...
my doctor has given me antidepressants before but they always have had weird side effects...so I had a talk with him yesterday and told him that I really researched them on the interent and I had an idea of which one I wanted to try and he gave it to me...I told him that I hate it and I hate myself when I get into one of those deep dark funky moods that is so hard to get out of...told him, when the dog eating her food gets on my nerves, it is time to ask for help...he agreed...

pretty pretty princess=pretty sick princess

pretty pretty princess is a pretty sick princess...$150 later, bronchitis, pneumonia, questionable pericarditis (that would not be good) & sinus infection has earned her some time off from school and earned me some babysitter points...wonder how I can redeem my points? took her to CVS to the Minute Clinic and the NP remembered me by name, not sure if that is a good thing or not, it does show that we use that place a whole lot...I like it there, fast easy and they know what they are doing...

it's raining, it's pouring...

when it rains it pours around here literally and quite figuratively too...but, I happen to absolutely love the rain, I could live in Washington State with no problem at all..one of the times Ross and I took our (then) RV to Whidbey Island (the first time we had been there...) there was a terrible rain storm and for days we did not emerge from the RV at all (except for when the storm knocked the antenna off course and Ross would have to go out and rearrange it...haha) I still can smile every time I think of Ross having to go out in the rain and get soaking wet...LOL..that is when we learned about sand bags....then the first day the rain let up, (ahhh so sweet) we walked hand in hand to the shopping center and had pizza...why oh why can I remember some things like that, and important stuff totally evades me???
the figurative part of when it rains it pours, I guess God is testing me, but heck, when I really (when my memory allows) think back about my life, when hasn't He been testing me? one time Oprah had a guest (back when I watched every single day) that said, "God will keep on testing you until you get what He is trying to tell you." I must be pretty stupid cause I just do not get what it is that I am supposed to be learning...even tho my prayer every night is to pls show me what it is that I am being tested for...somedays it is like, if I hear of one more bad thing, I am going to scream and then of course you know what happens....right?

today I had had it with Zoe being sick...she started coughing when Sam did and Sam had bronchitis and went to Dr. Zoe was not quite as sick as Sam and so we over the counter treated her...(do you really want to hear the long drawn out story of why this child does not have health insurance?) yes? you do, well OK another day, another story...so this am Sam brings the princess to be babysat so she can go to work...and I have had it with her cough...so we take her to the NP at CVS (whom I absolutely love btw...) and she has bronchitis, pneumonia, a sinus infection and we are watching for signs of pericarditis (which the princess has had twice before...)
so, $150 later for this diagnosis...what someone's father had to say, I will also leave for another day...

so, it is raining it is pouring is fitting for today...Ross needs a pacemaker (I have one and he has to copy me, LOL) Zoe being sick, and me...me we will also save for another day...
think it is still supposed to rain tomorrow also, let's see what the figurative part will bring...

arrietty

I took all 3 kids to the movies...it is a very cute movie, based in Tokyo, which Zoe recognized right away and was excited about that...I am not real sure that I saw too much of the movie as Cj has a fascination with bathrooms and we were in there more than seeing the movie, I think...
all in all they had a good time...

38 years

well, our anniversary came and went without much fanfare at all...he and I went to Famous Dave's which is becoming a tradition, cause everyone that know us, knows that is our favorite place to go eat at...
otherwise not too eventful...
Tim gave me a gift and said I could spend so much money on his credit card and I desperately need a new Ultimate Box...which if you do not know...it is a software system that you hook up to your computer, download an embroidery design and it puts it on a little memory card that you can then put into your embroidery machine and it can then embroider that design...
I have only found it on ebay...

spaghetti

man oh man since I have not been cooking, (for almost a year) (wait to give me credit, I did cook just not like I used to cause of antler stuff...) we have not had my homemade spaghetti for that long and that used to be a staple of mine, say maybe once a week or every 2 weeks...so much that Tim got sick of it and asked me not to make it for awhile...
not sure, but it just sounded good on Monday night and that is what I made and it was all gone cause even Zoe and Sam were coming thru my house and said, "yum spaghetti?"
I also made that orange cake that I mentioned I had made at antlers and Sam said it was the best cake she had ever eaten...

kids say...umm what?

conversation with my six year old...
she and her brother came to the Lodge's Sunday brunch and I had taken them to the bathroom...she came out first and I found her gazing intently at the wall of photos of officers and PERs...
Sian: Goma, it says Poppa is the ruler, he is really?
me: yes baby...
Sian: WOW, I cannot believe it...
me: what baby?
Sian: my Poppa is the boss of the whole building...
me: yup
Sian: does that mean, that he can do whatever he wants to do?
me: well, sort of...
Sian: and noone can tell him what to do...
me: (to myself) (sigh... and laughing inside) that's right baby, noone can tell him what to do...
she walks away shaking her head,
Sian: I cannot believe my Poppa is the boss, can I do whatever I want to?
me; sure Sian, would you like to cashier for bingo?

school

Zoe looked so cute in her "thrift store" dress this morning...no time to take a pic tho, until after 3:05...thank goodness grandpa got up to take her to school...yesterday when we went on a "freedom ride" it was freezing and I had to warm my hands under warm water once I got home...but, I also got smart and bought mittens yesterday just in case...

love pink & brown

just one of my new projects...

Gingham Beary Tales an announcement

so the point of the other post is to announce to you, my friends, that I am starting a new business...I will be doing what I love to do, my passion...I have already made up some samples and I hope you like them as much as I do...not only samples, but I have several orders as well...be on the look out for "Gingham Beary Tales," as soon as I can get the picture and the FB and the web site up...I know I can do this with the suppost of my friends...pictures soon to follow...thanks guys

thrifting

one of my stories: (it does have an ending I promise...) I have always loved baby and children's clothing, think it stems from when my mom would get to the end of each pregnancy, (there were 12 after all) we would know time was close when she would buy bolts of flannel and her and us older kids would spend night after night sewing baby clothes...I remember making my own paper dolls, always babies..., and they had the cutest clothes...my home ec classes, I always made for my younger sisters...fast forward to my own kids and I made their clothes esp. Sam and I also made all of the kid's Halloween costumes (even made my nephew a shark one year)...before Zoe came into the picture, I discovered ebay, and I would go to thrift stores and buy the "good" baby clothes, bring them home, wash them, make them look like new and that "hobby" helped support us thru some rough times...therefore I KNOW my baby clothes, you can ask me anything about baby clothes and I will have an answer and just by looking at an outfit, I with 99% certantity can tell you the mfr....then enter Zoe and my world opened up to the sewing of handmade designer children's dresses, and this child never wore the same thing twice all during pre K, kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade...I made the majority of her clothes...the 2 years she was homeschooled, I slacked off a little...but I am now ready...OK so for today, I was on one of my "freedom rides" and I went to a couple of thrift stores (I have my favorites people) and found some really cute stuff by some really good companies and that is always a thrill for me...I am not talking about going back to ebay, but I found my littles some really cute stuff today...the dress Zoe will be wearing tomorrow (gasp, oh no, it is not crazy 8) but it is so cute and we already had the matching leggings at home...wait till you see it...

what she wore

panda collection

Zoe & Crazy 8

sailor boy

eeeeep look what I found while thrifting today...really out looking for baby clothes since DIL has nothing for baby at all and did find some really cute baby things...all of my grandkids have worn hand me downs...just wish I knew what the baby is so I could buy better than just unisex...
anyways...my treasure of the day, and it made my day also...my sailor boy doll...I have a passion for boy dolls and I also happen to love sailor suits, have pics of each of my kids and all my grand kids except for Cj in a sailor suit...

follow up

so today was my follow up appt with my doctor to see why my lymph nodes are enlarged...we have been worried all weekend about lymphoma...
so...
the doctor says the scan shows enlarged lymph nodes throughout the scan, especially
around my heart and the neck also...but they do not think right now, that it is
lymphoma...they want to do a needle biopsy of the neck one to analyze it...what they are really thinking right now is that there is probably a problem somewhere else,
like maybe a mass or something elsewhere and that could cause the lymph nodes to be enlarged...so they want to do a bunch of other tests to see if there is something
causing the lymph nodes to be swollen...
so they have scheduled a needle biopsy under a cat scan and a colonoscopy and mammogram...yeah...

pretty pretty princess...

I am so proud of Zoe right now...she fit so well back into her old school and is a shining star...too bad we did not do it before this...
she got 2nd place in the science fair, is top in her class for AR's, earned a ton of credits for her class on math first and loves to give Mr. Rincon smart answers to make him happy...

you go Zo, so proud of you baby girl...

what she wore...

oh how I love this pretty pretty princess...so much...all of the above from Crazy 8, where else?

defining moments

all along, I knew that April 1st was going to be a big defining moment in my life for many reasons...I most assuredly did not believe that it would start in January...
and I am having a really hard time right now accepting any of it, even when I knew it was coming...maybe I thought I really had a few more months to accept it and when it came sooner than expected, kinda threw me for a loop, so to speak...
I am sad...probably more depressed...
you guys that know me, know I can cry easy but, right now I cry every day, many times a day...
do need to get over it, I do know that...
not sure where to go from here or how to accomplish what needs to be done...all I know is that what I am doing is definitely not working...when I get upset on how the dog chews her food, I think there is a problem there...

how to make my day better

this is how Tim tries to make my day better...he went to the movies and came home with: 1. tulips, 2. cookies from Panera, 3. cranberry bliss from Starbucks, 4. fried macaroni & cheese from CPK, 5. a cute cupcake sign, 6. mike & ike's...does he know me???

tuna melts

dinner tonight? tuna melts...y? just cause it felt right...haha...a quick story (I should write a book, huh? cause I always have a story...) at the last hospital I worked at, and OMGosh I loved this job, not everyone can say they had the perfect job, but I really did...when we bought our house out here (we lived in El Segundo) I cried for days having to leave that job...and guess what? everyone loved me there...especially my boss, she was always bringing me little presents and getting me raises, etc. too bad I ever left...anyway, Ross would have to drop me off like 1 1/2 hours early in the morning and I would sit in the cafeteria and wait for start time...and I got to know the cook pretty well...an old black man...(his name was Art, see I cannot remember what I had for dinner last night, but can remember his name?) and I had never had a tuna melt before and one day we were talking and tuna was brought up and I said, "yuck" and he said he would change my mind about tuna and he did...best ever tuna melt on a good rye bread...OMGosh to die for...just a funny story that I think of every time I make a tuna melt...

sick Zoe

since the princess has been out of school sick, she has not worn anything but pj's all day, so no "what she wore"...she is going back to school tomorrow...

urgent vs. stat

will start out my post by saying that I did not know there was a difference between stat and urgent when a doctor orders something...
he ordered my labs as stat, had them done at 8:30 this am and as of when the office closed they still did not have the results...the hospital needs the labs before they will do a cat scan, cause they need to know how your kidney function is before they will inject the dye into you...
the doctor's office had us going to an outside imaging clinic and so we were driving by and decided to stop and make an appointment instead of calling...they said we don't take walk in appointments but she took a copy of the prescription orders and said someone would call us...we pointed out that it was urgent...she said OK and now at 7 pm still have not received a call...and you should have seen how many freaking people there were sitting there waiting...OMGosh...
this afternoon, I instead called Riverside Community Hosp and talked with the cat scan dept. and she said if we brought the prescription order to them, they would try to work me in...a very sweet girl in admitting tried her absolute best and it did not work...even with saying the labs were stat, the hospital could not get the results and so until then, no cat scan...
I want everything over with no matter what the results are...I can deal...
oh yeah, also found a new lump today...