new year

I was determined to not make any resolutions that I would then not keep as usual...but "my thing" was to just be a better person on a daily basis, therefore
hopefully I would change my life in the process for the better...I also am really
trying one random act of kindness, if not every day, at least a couple of times a week...
how's it going?
not well, according to my standards...
it seems that some people that are "stuck" with me are not in a cooperating mood...
I guess they don't sense the changes I want to make and they are still on board with the old me...(*and totally my fault*) I know... it seems in theory easy to change yourself, but you cannot change the ones around you, and it is a little depressing to totally want to change but it seems that someone is always there pushing you back into the depths of your old life...
while I am on this subject...I am so not understanding the concept of depression...
not sure how "it" can be genetic and carried from one generation to another, when you so desperately don't want it to...remember so vividly my mom in a total "funk" and back then and still saying to myself, "I will never be like that !" yet, I am...
and I see my kids and want so very badly for "it" not to continue to the little ones, but at the same time knowing without intervention it most certainly will...

I do not want this for another year...I really don't...but, in reality what can I do about it...it is not just family that is not cooperating...it is in dealing with anyone that I do on a constant basis...now, some of that will change starting April
1st...but not all will...
I always tell my kids that in dealing with others in a work/social atmosphere, you
train the people around you in how to deal with you...they learn how to treat you, by your actions...you start letting them get away with treating you a certain way,
and they continue cause you let them...why cannot I practice what I preach?

I guess it comes down to, wht do I want out of my life? and let me say, it most definitely is not what is going on right now or has been for a good while...I am an
enabler and I have let others walk all over me, to allow them to talk to me the way that they do...I totally realize that most of the "offenders" do not realize they are hurting feelings, they have just been groomed by me, to treat me this way, and to them it is OK...it is not to me any longer...

more to follow...
what I want from my life next blog...