the grass is always greener, right??? sometimes I find myself wishing for a slightly different life...some portions of my life just are wearing me down...and saying that, I hate to get to the dark part of the wearing down...the "depression hurts" feeling again...wonder if I didn't have the other influences in my daily life, would I be all right on my own??? some mornings when I just get out of bed, I can feel the "dark" already...did it just appear, or occur because of something that had previously happened...and believe me, there has been lately, plenty of happenings...some days like now, I want to go to bed, pull the covers up over my head and not deal...not to sleep...I can never sleep during the day...I just don't want to deal...
we went (surprise) out to breakfast, and I told Greg I didn't want to go home...couldn't figure out where to go, just not home...and everything he suggested, didn't appeal to me...so, home we came...
the expression, "when mom isn't happy, no one is happy" most likely applies to my situation right now, I am sure...and for my part in that, I apologize but, I also think I am entitled, am I???
before I met Greg and I had moved from home, had a very small one bedroom...I was lonely, wished I had companionship...never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would or could wish for a little of that now...sometimes I just want a few minutes to myself, to even go to the bathroom by myself, to think without any disruptions, to be able to lay down and have no one want something...sometimes it seems that no one here can make a decision at all without me being involved somehow...did I put myself in that situation??? and if I did, how do I get out of it???
the house is getting too much for me...the normal every day is wearing me down...the dishes are never done...there is always piles of laundry...floors to scrub, toilets to clean, vacuuming...you get the picture...and then throw in the yards with all the landscaping...I don't think I am trying to keep up appearances to keep up with the Jones' but, I like nice and neat and I do not have it...and it is driving me crazy...not sure what will happen when I have surgery and am recuperating for 6 weeks...how long will it take to get it back to my standards, especially when it is not even to my standards right now...I am exhausted trying to get anyone to help me...it is easier to let Greg take his naps...if he is not sitting in front of me, while I am working it doesn't get to me so bad...when he worked and the kids were at school all day (& even when I had a full time job) the house was better then...I coped better then...what is wrong now??? what is wrong???
guess it doesn't help that I have that chemical type headache all over my head, does it???
I want off of this crazy roller coaster, I hate roller coasters anyway..............................................
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